Love is a Battlefield

So, I think Pat had it right. Love truly is a battlefield, but I think Pat and I would define that a little differently :) I've been learning in subtle, but hard ways that to keep Christ as my focus, to know His love, and love Him and others in return is a battle against so many things: sin, flesh, the spiritual realm, and hardships that just simply are a part of living in a fallen world. There's so much to make me go, "why don't I just focus on this instead."
This past week has been a hard one, not so much physically as emotionally and spiritually. I would say the best word to describe how I feel right now is "overwhelmed". Which is funny considering my last post was during such a time of encouragement!!! Goes to show how quickly the enemy can move in. I have had a lot to do and it's all come at once, so there's been typical life stresses of getting things done, working, etc, but if that were it I don't think I would've even noticed. It's so much more than the day to day physical. I have vividly seen evidence of the battle we, as believers, unfortunately don't always acknowledge: Spiritual warfare.
Last week I had asked several people if they might want to fast and pray as I prepare to go. I don't fast near enough, and it use to be because I simply didn't understand it. I don't COMPLETELY understand fasting still, but do more than I use to. So, I decided to set aside a day to fast and pray. Well, my roommate, Marta, and I have this saying that we will use on occasion and it's rather self-explanatory: "Sin sucks, and so does Satan." That's how I felt that day! I woke up with a sinus headache (Something I haven't had in a LONG time) and it didn't go away no matter what I took, tried, anything! It was there to stay. So, I decided to try to persevere and continue with my day of fasting. Now, fasting in and of itself gives me a headache closer to the end of the day since I haven't had food, so I was prepared for that, but with this looming headache already there it just increasingly got worse. Also, for those of you who will admit that they are "human": not eating + sinus headache=crankiness, bad attitude, "you need to wake up on the other side of the bed" kind of day! Needless to say, this was NOT the day I had planned. I spent some time praying and at one point I remember talking to God, stopping, and saying "Lord, I don't know what I just said to you. I'm sorry. Please bear with me because I can't concentrate." I'm glad God doesn't measure our days as "successful" or "Unsuccessful" and that's it's only Jesus! because that day was rough! The next morning, I woke up with no headache, haven't had one since. JUST THAT DAY! "Sin sucks, and SO DOES SATAN!"
Since then, I've been dealing with managing time well, having to learn to say "no" without feeling guilty because my schedule's SO crazy right now, dealing with unnecessary stresses, learning the difference between loving people and "pleasing man", and thoughts that are of this world: focusing on petty things that aren't important, thoughts of feeling like I'm alone in this, and being forgotten as I leave. Simply thoughts that are from the enemy, but he continues to throw them at me. I'm learning more about taking every thought captive for sure!
This verse keeps coming to mind "Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you." 1 Peter 5:6-10 (emphasis added).
So as I fight to know Christ's love, and love Him and those around me in return as I leave and move on to this new journey the Lord has given me, I am truly learning that I am in the midst of a war MUCH bigger than myself. It's a war where the enemy is sneaky, subtle but lethal, and he will not stop at any means. I know my Savior has won and defeated the enemy already. I just need to keep focus of that and who I am because of Christ: a conqueror! :)

This song has been one through the encouraging and hard times that has been such a joy (look it up!):
IN YOUR ARMS by Mandi Mapes
In your arms
is where I want to be
when my world
comes crashing down on me
So hold me close
keep me Yours always,
bid me, break me, be my rock
for now and all my days

Whom have I
when my heart begins to fail
when sorrow fills the streets
and sounds of death prevail
Jesus is my hope
and I know He stills the wind
So take my very life away
as long as I get Him

My soul longs
for the day I'll see Your face
when sin and death will pass
and tears are wiped away
So let the sky fall down
and earth and cities quake
and I'll say of my God and King
Lord, blessed by Your name.

Living in the Big House

As I am preparing to move back to Mississippi, packing, trying to soak up and enjoy last moments with friends, saying good-bye, and emotionally getting ready to leave my "home" for the past three years, the Lord has been making me acutely aware of a few things. One in particular is the necessity to be still before Him and acknowledge Him for who He is and what He has and is doing.
More so than that, this focus on "being still and knowing God through the acknowledgment of blessings" mindset :) began a little right before I went to the "GO" Conference.
While at the conference there was one verse that continually kept "popping" up. John 15:5, "I am the vine, you are the branches, if you abide in me and I in You, you will bear much fruit. For without me you can do nothing." After the conference this one verse continued to show itself. It was one of those, "Okay, God, OBVIOUSLY, you are trying to teach me something through this verse." So, I began praying that while I understood the gist of this verse, I would simply learn and know what it means to abide in Him.
As I've gone about the past two months since then the Lord has been putting little reminders of "abide, Courtney, just abide." This past week has been one of those, so here's the story...
I moved into the "big house". No, I'm not in jail. Rather the complete opposite. The family I nanny for (among other titles of "nanny" I have also acquired family chef, photographer, make-up artist, and my personal favorite, the family "chaplain" (and please say that with a British accent since they are British :) ). I have grown to love this family tremendously, but on with the story. They have two homes. The one they live in they call the "litte house". This house is NOT little by any means, but comparatively it is the smaller of the two. The other house is called the "Big House". This home is GORGEOUS! I would never be able to afford such a home!
In the process of me getting ready to leave, this family told me that if I wanted to live in the big house (since it's empty) I was more than welcome to stay there (no charge!). Well, I was able to sale all of my furniture the end of April, so I have no bed, dress, etc. So...it didn't take much to twist my arm to move into the big house.
The other morning I was sitting, eating breakfast, drinking coffee (practicing for Bosnia :) ) and reading the scriptures, and the over-whelmingness of God's blessings just hit me! I looked around at this beautiful home, that I have all to myself, and thought "this is like a retreat". It's not just the outward beauty of the place, but that I have a month before I move home and then move overseas, to just chill. Not that I'm being lazy and not doing anything, but I can come "home" to a place and just breathe, and spend some much needed time still before the Lord. There are many places to do that in this home, and I think I was looking at the generosity of this family and thanking the Lord for their generosity (which I am VERY thankful for). But the reality that the Lord has provided a place for me to "be still" before Him as I am preparing for my life to get very UNSTILL and go through many changes and challenges, was pressed upon me.
That awareness was heightened by listening to George Robinson this past Sunday in service. He basically went through the entire story of the scriptures. It was all VERY good, and I needed to be reminded of all of it, but there was one thing that stuck out more than anything. And I think it just goes to show what God is pressing upon me right now.
At one point Dr Robinson was talking about realizing that God is our Creator. He asked something to the extent of this, "Do you realize that God created you, formed you, and gave you life?!" I don't know why but that more than anything else stuck out to me. In fact a verse popped into my mind because of that question: Daniel 5:23. I have been reading through Daniel so there are verses that pop in my mind at times, and this is one of my favorites. The background is that King Belshazzar is following in his father's footsteps: dishonoring God, exalting himself, disgracing the things of the Lord, etc. Unlike his father, Belshazzar doesn't change his ways. In v. 23, Daniel is speaking to him and this is the tale end of his speech, "...You praise the gods made of silver and gold, bronze and iron, wood and stone, which do not see or hear or understand, but YOU HAVE NOT GLORIFIED THE GOD WHO HOLDS YOUR BREATH IN HIS HAND AND WHO CONTROLS THE WHOLE COURSE OF YOUR LIFE" (emphasis added). This verse just kind of "hit" me and it put me in awe of the Lord for a moment. To think about my Creator, the very One who holds my every breath and He asks me to just abide (remain, walk with, stay) with Him. WOW!!!
So, that's where I am right now. God is teaching me to just "abide". As I prepare to move, raise funds, say "bye", there are many things I could be stressed over. The Lord, though, has given me a wonderful peace to just be still before Him and trust so that even when I start to become anxious I know (without a doubt) that I can do nothing without Him because He who holds my every breath is in control.

What's a "Motty"? (Just ask Carsyn)

So I'm not much of a sap. Anyone who knows me, knows that I usually laugh rather than cry at sappy things (I just think it's kind of cheesy), I am not huge on affection (this is something I've been working on), and am not a "let's share our feelings" kind of a girl. With that said, this entry is going to sound a bit sappy, but I'm giving you fair warning that this isn't going to happen often.

So here it goes :)
Throughout my life I've had several motherly figures in my life. Women I've looked up to, gained advice from, learned from (both bad and good), and who have helped me grow as a woman, friend, and most importantly a follower of Christ.
When we lived in Nigeria I remember going over to my "Aunt" Mona's house, swinging on the gate to her backyard until she let me in, and spending time with her. Still to this day when I get to see her, I just LOVE HER! She's my Aunt Mona, and she loved (and still loves) me no matter how long we go without seeing each other.
In Indonesia, my friend, Jennifer's mom (Mrs. Debbie) use to impress me with her pancake skills (she'd make different characters!). We'd do amazing crafty things, she helped with Girl Scouts, and was a very neat lady who impressed on me the fun of arts and crafts (which I still carry to this day).
Through High School there were ladies (too many to name) that were in and out of my life who helped me through those D.R.A.M.A.T.I.C years :)
In college, Mrs. Karen (who was technically my boss) taught me how to love and teach children in creative and fun ways. She showed me how to be strong IN THE LORD when life isn't fair and it's just hard.
While I've been here in North Carolina, I've seen some awesome, Christ-loving ladies at my church. I've had an amazing friendship with a lady I work with, Brenda (the office "mom") who has done what she can to "take care of me", listened to me through difficult times, and rejoiced with me in happy times. I've been blessed to know Michele (a lady I nanny for) who has shown me generosity in ways I'll never forget. She's a strong woman, and has been such a blessing to my life!

As I've gotten older, my sister, while not "motherly" to me has grown to be an amazing example of motherhood. She knows she doesn't do everything perfect (and I don't think she wants to) She sees she needs the Gospel (even. in parenting..scratch that, ESPECIALLY in parenting). She also continually reminds me of Christ's love, and is such an example of raising up her children in the Lord.

I say all of this to show the blessings of the Lord in my life. I am so thankful to know and have been influenced, impacted, and "taken care of" by these ladies.

Having said this though, I have to say, in my life NONE compare to my MOTTY!

She has a unique name, and it is fitting because she is a very unique woman! Let me tell you a little about her for those of you who have never had the privilege of knowing Gale Brady :)

One of my first memories is getting my hair caught in an electric mixer while baking with my mom. She freaked out (and I got a hair cut :) ) but I still and always have enjoyed baking and cooking with her.

I tell that story because I love that it's one of the first memories I have. It's the perfect example of how my mom has always been fun, let us be involved with what she's doing, and always makes us feel wanted and loved.

I didn't learn to appreciate her life until I was a bit older. Her and my dad moved overseas in their 20s. She hadn't been many places outside of the state of Mississippi by that time, but she took on the adventure (in true Motty style), and I believe the Lord blessed and grew her in so many ways through that. Every summer she traveled back and forth from the states with 3 kids (I REALLY appreciate that now when I'm on the plane with kids around!).

She was an example of missions before I even knew what it was! She would teach Bible studies, share with people she was around, and still to this day just proclaims the Gospel in her words and actions no matter where she is.
She makes people feel comfortable as soon as they meet her. Our house in high school (and college) was the place to go. She would feed us, talk to us, and have fun with us. My friends from high school AND college still call her Motty Gale when they see her. She just loves people! (and they love her).

She has taught me what it means to give selflessly, without thinking about cost, but rather asking "how can I be used?" She has shown me how to enjoy life, and not sweat the small things.

Most importantly, the Lord has CONTINUALLY used my Motty as an example of the Gospel in my life. Such sweet grace has come from that little lady! :) She has been there through rebellion, brokenness, broken hearts, triumphs, challenges, changes...she's been there through "life". She has pointed out sin in my life when I didn't want to hear it, spoken words of encouragement and truth in my life when I needed to hear it, and shown me love especially when I didn't deserve it. The Lord has used her in SO many ways! I know not just in my life, but in our family's, my friends, people from church, the community, and (even though she doesn't realize it) those in the world.

I'm so thankful to the Lord that she isn't just an amazing mom, (or a one-of-a-kind Motty), she is an awesome sister in Christ. I praise the Lord for making her, saving her, and using her to proclaim His Gospel and spread His glorious name!

I LOVE YOU MOTTY!!!

Bosnia or BUST!!!

This journey has been an incredible one so far (and I'm not even there yet). If you would have asked me years ago or even a year ago if I would want to go to Bosnia-Herzegovina, I'd probably had responded with, "Where exactly is that?" The way God has led me to going has been challenging, humbling, and faith-building. In the process of choosing where to go, God allowed me to meet a couple already in Bosnia. They are actually doing what got me interested in coming to seminary to pursue my degree. I had great conversations with them, and during that time, the Lord put many verses before me. Two of the most prominent (that I'm still clinging to) were Ez. 2:4-5 and John 15:5. Both were challenging and made me think through two very important questions, "Who are you going to trust?" and "Are you willing to go anywhere?"
Now, I have said the majority of my life, "Lord I'll go anywhere you want." But I was actually faced with a new way of looking at that question. I had considered living in a hut, living in cold weather, hot weather, eating extremely weird things, but this is the first time I thought about being placed somewhere that I might not see fruit produced. I think I've always had this mindset that I'll go somewhere and it may take a little while, but then there would be people giving their lives to Christ left and right (the I'm going to save the world syndrome). This was the first time I was faced with, "Courtney, if you go, labor, love, serve, and sacrifice yet don't see ONE person come to Christ, are you still willing to go and tell?" I spent time praying, surrendering, and becoming willing. (My heart isn't always quick to become willing) In the end, my answer was, "yes, but I know myself and I can't do it alone." I knew there would be much faith and growth required in my life.
So the Lord broke me down, and I actually through prayer and advice put a request in to another country, but my request was denied because they weren't taking on team members. So the Lord brought me back to Bosnia :) Obviously, it was a bit discouraging because I had my "heart" set on this other place, but as usual I learned the Lord knows what He's doing. I remembered those verse, my conversations with that couple, and again was face with the question, "You say you're willing, are you really?" Things became pretty clear! I needed to trust that this is where God was leading, and if it wasn't He'd make clear where I was to go.
Helen Roseveare (a "hero" of mine because we are kindred spirits as Anne Shirley would say) has an amazing quote that has become my prayer:
"Okay God, today I mean it. Go ahead and make me more like Jesus, whatever the cost. But please (knowing myself fairly well), when I feel I can't stand anymore and cry out 'Stop!', will you ignore my 'stop" and remember that today I said, 'Go ahead'.
So here I go....Bosnia or Bust!